in my earlier posts on this publication, i wrote a lot about friendship, because i had this unbearable desire for true, always-there-for-you friends, which i’ve been struggling to gain in the past few years. before covid, i had an amazing friend group. looking back, i so took it for granted. i wish i had as many close friends as i did before. we could always talk about anything, help each other out with school or whatever, it was… amazing. if only my friend groups were like that now.
actually, i can’t really say i’m part of any big “friend groups” like what i had back in private school. i have a few friends that, when i hang out with them, i also hang out with their friend group. but in reality, i’m not really a part of the group; i’m just tagging along, and i’m always very aware of that which sucks.
i’d say my teammates on my swim team are my friends, but i only really see them at practice or meets. like, without swim, none of us would know each other, so while we’re friends at swim, we don’t really ever talk outside of swim.
before — like last year or so — this really bothered me. i knew that i couldn’t just turn the people i already know into amazing close friends like my parents wanted. and yet, since i’m homeschooled, there’s no other outlet for making friends. it’s always strictly “these people must be your friends, make do with whatcha got”. but… i can’t.
it’s not that i’m not a friendly person… to my knowledge, anyway. i’m just not the type of person to go up to someone and start a conversation, you know? to me, that’s so awkward and it always makes me anxious. i tend to tell myself that everyone’s always judging me and that if i say one thing wrong, they’ll think i’m a total weirdo and not want to be friends with me. i’d rather find someone who will want to be my friend, but of course, that’s very unrealistic.
that’s the struggle of being an introvert. i need friends, i’m not entirely anti-social. but i can’t… like go up to people and say, “hey, can we be friends?” especially at the age i am now, that’s just not how it works.
i remember this one time back in seventh grade, there was this new kid at my youth group who was just standing around awkwardly by himself (like i was) and i thought, wow, poor guy, he’s just standing there all by himse— oh, wait. i actually really wanted to go up to him and say hi. like this was my chance to make a friend… but i just couldn’t bring myself to it. i started sweating and i didn’t know what to say… so i said nothing. and now he doesn’t go to youth anymore. i had my chance and i blew it. :/
i guess what helped me overcome my longing for friends — or, at least, ignore it — is just getting used to being alone. i’ve prioritized my reading and enjoy hours of quiet time a day simply perusing a book by myself. i’ve told myself that friends aren’t a necessity, that i can do just fine by myself. also, i’ve made online friends. online friends are great because you can get to know a person without fear of judgment based on physical aspects, like appearance.
but, at the end of the day, i still have to go out and see people. i’m a human. i still have things like co-op, swim practice, track practice… (wait, that’s actually it, now that i think about it.) well, the point is, i still have to be social. and when i do, that’s when i desire to have friends the most. it’s super awkward at co-op in between classes or at lunch when i’m just sitting with my one friend as he talks to his friends. and track… oh my word.
when i first started track, i knew nobody, which i’m very not used to. and i also didn’t know what to do so i had to physically go up to someone and ask someone what we were doing… but i didn’t. i just watched and copied. one good thing about track for me: i can run alone, head down, ignoring everybody. it’s perfect. but it can still get awkward. thankfully, some of the guys are pretty friendly and we’ve gotten to know each other some.
as of now, friendships aren’t much of a problem. online friends are perfect for going to when i need to talk about stuff. and sports/acquaintance friends are great for ensuring i’m not a complete hermit, only leaving my room for food, new books, and extra pencil lead (though honestly that sounds pretty nice).
the aggressive emails telling me about all the unsubscribers and my sad open rate pressured me into writing this (good thing i’m not weirdly obsessed with the numbers… oh wait). i had a way better post idea, but like i mentioned in the subscriber chat, spring allergies are really getting to me. i can’t swallow and i feel dizzy for no reason, so it’s been really hard to focus. instead, i just wrote up this about my tragic situation that i never like talking about because i always think people judge me and think i’m begging for pity (which i’m NOT at all, by the way).
speaking of subscriber chat… 👀
anyways, i hope you liked this post. sorry it’s so short and… weird, but again, i have allergies as a valid excuse.
thank you so much for being here. as always, i wish you a wonderful day and i’ll see you next week. much love <3
THIS IS SO REAL
a beautiful piece!!