Breathe in, breathe out. Last question.
What is your favorite color?
My favorite color? Why does that matter in a medical exam?
After a moment of hesitation, I carefully etched two words in my finest print. Ocean blue.
“Finished yet?” asked my doctor, startling me.
“Uh… yes,” I replied, handing her the clipboard.
Hands on my knees, I kicked nervously against the side of the exam table as the doctor flipped through the papers, occasionally nodding and “mhm”ing. As she eyed the last question, she said with a smile, “My favorite color is blue too.”
“Not blue,” I corrected. “Ocean blue. It’s deeper, darker, and much more vibrant.”
“Ah,” she said as she set the clipboard on a nearby countertop. “I believe I know what you mean. In fact, our next test will consist of something exactly ocean blue.”
I shifted slightly. No. Please.
Wearing an innocent grin, my doctor swiveled around in her chair to open a cabinet and fetch . . . a stethoscope in navy blue.
With a relieved sigh, I informed her, “That’s navy blue, not ocean blue.”
“Really?” She lifted the stethoscope to observe it. “Well, good to know.”
Leaning in close, she pressed the cold metal end of the stethoscope against my thin polyester t-shirt, right over my heart. “Now, I’ll need you to take five deep breaths for me please.”
I nodded and closed my eyes.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in . . .
. . . breathe out.
Slowly, I opened my eyes.
To my horror, the plain white near-empty hospital room had been replaced with the cramped interior of a passenger jet. Sitting atop a narrow aisle seat, I gasped violently, swift desperate breaths following.
What? No! How?
My frantic thoughts were interrupted by a soft, sweet voice.
“Excuse me, dear. Would you like anything from the snack cart?”
I nearly leapt from my seat when I turned to find a thin flight attendant with my doctor’s pale pretty face.
“Something wrong, dear?”
Yes. Yes, indeed. For starters, the flight attendant had blond hair in a tight bun rather than my doctor’s flowing dark hair that was always put down. And second, I wasn’t supposed to be here! The stethoscope was navy, not ocean blue. I shouldn’t have–
“Dear?”
This time, I actually jumped in my seat, forced right back down by the uncomfortably tight seatbelt.
“Oh! Uh, no thank you!”
With a nod, she pushed her cart past me and repeated her question to those in the row behind me.
I turned my gaze to the back of the seat before me and noted the color. Ocean blue.
Yes, it was the same plane. Any minute now, it would happen. No, no, no! The doctor was supposed to fix this!
“So, where are you headed, sonny?”
I warily turned my head to the elderly woman beside me, and once again gasped, this time stabilizing myself with a hand over my chest. Yes, everyone on the plane always wore the face of the last person I interacted with, but how could one ever prepare to glimpse an older black woman with short, curly white hair, a pink woolen sweater, and shiny turquoise earrings wearing the face of a white thirty-year-old doctor?
“I . . . uhh . . .” As I struggled to formulate a response, all the lights in the plane flickered, and the familiar feeling of turbulence arrived as the plane rocked up and down.
The old woman beside me chuckled. “Ooh, I do love that.”
Ok, I’m done with this.
Unbuckling and throwing aside my seatbelt, I jumped to my feet and scanned the aisle of the plane. Of course I was toward the back of the plane.
“Uh, dear!” called the flight attendant. “Please sit down!”
I looked over my shoulder to glare at the woman then returned my gaze forward and eased into a run.
“Dear!” the woman cried.
Halfway.
I didn’t even break a sweat as I raced down the aisle, running my hands along the aisle seat armrests for stabilization.
Almost there.
Then, I heard a familiar voice. It was a deep, contorted, monstrous sound.
“CATCH HIM.”
I groaned but kept on running, even as every single doctor-faced passenger in the plane began taking off their seatbelts, standing up, and facing me with completely ocean blue eyes.
It was a terrifying sensation, as always, but I persisted.
Not this time.
Stomping on the legs of the first class passengers reaching out their grabby hands, I sprinted as fast as I could, until finally reaching the emergency exit.
As I grasped the lever, I heard the demonic voice again.
“YOU WON’T ESCAPE.”
I didn’t even bother to face the multitude of the nightmarish doctor-faced figures in my peripheral vision.
With all my might, I pulled on the lever until it flipped down, opening the door with an airy hiss. Wind whipping at my hair and my clothes, I took one final glimpse at the creatures before showing them a finger and leaping out of the plane as they growled.
d
o
w
n
d
o
w
n
d
o
w
n
As I fell, I clamped my eyes shut. My hands glued to my side. My legs fixed together. I plummeted.
Down, down, down, until finally . . .
SLAP.
I hit the water like a brick and sank like one for what must have been at least fifty feet before I was launched back up to the surface.
When I emerged, pain surged through my body as I gasped for breath and rapidly kicked my legs to stay afloat. Lifting my head, I searched the star-scattered night sky until I glimpsed the plane. I watched as it caught fire and plunged into the watery midnight blue depths. No, not midnight blue. Ocean blue.
I sighed. Here I was. Time and time again. Relived over and over every time my favorite color came into view.
Reflecting on what had happened, I cursed into the oblivion around me. The doctor told me everything would be better. She told me . . .
Ugh, there was no reason to waste brain power and emotion on what was already done.
My legs were sore from running. The water was frigid and numbing. Who knew how much longer I could tread?
What do I do? What do I do?
The feeling of drowning has never been something I’m eager to relive. But in that moment, it was the only option. I’d done this all before, all my life. I’d tried to swim, call for help, do anything in my knowledge that could maybe, possibly save me from this horrific experience.
Year after year, doctor after doctor, no one could fix me. No one could explain why this was happening to me.
As I pondered this moment and all the times I relived it before, I began to sink.
Eyes closed.
Hands glued to my side.
Legs fixed together.
And I plummeted . . . down, down, down, slowly, slowly.
My brain screamed at my body to move. My lungs burned.
I clenched my teeth, furrowed my brow . . . and let it happen.
Water flowed mercilessly up my nose and down my throat. I choked, but I persevered. I suffered.
Until . . .
Finally . . .
It was done.
“Oh my god, you’re awake!”
I awoke to find my mother, all teary-eyed, her silver-streaked hair knotted and her make-up all smudged. She grasped my hand firmly and hugged it to her chest.
I squinted my eyes as they adjusted to the blinding white light above. Looking around, I observed the usual hospital bed on which I lay. The beeping heart-rate machine, the IV.
I sighed in relief that it was over . . . but in anguish that I hadn’t been fixed.
Screw that doctor, that good-for-nothing.
I finally developed the energy to ask, “Mom, is there–”
Understanding, my mother shook her head. “Don’t worry, sweetie. There’s nothing–”
“Please don’t say it.”
Breathe in, breathe out.
I closed my eyes . . .
Breathe in, breathe out.
. . . and drifted into a sleep . . .
Breathe in, breathe out.
. . . I only wished could be as deep . . .
Breathe in, breathe out.
. . .
As the ocean blue.
Hey, everyone!
So, I know I’ve been delaying my upcoming life post… but that’s only because I’ve yet to finish it and it’s getting kind of difficult to write. There’s a lot of mental effort that needs to go into writing it so it may be a bit until you see that post.
Still, I wanted to deliver something worth reading so I wrote up this short story! Note that this is entirely fiction and isn’t solely based on any specific mental illness or condition. In fact, it was partly inspired by a dream I had a few nights ago where I was in a plane, it crashed, and I had to keep swimming in the ocean at night.
I’m actually pleased with how this whole thing came together. If you enjoyed the story, please consider giving this post a like and leaving a comment with your thoughts.
Anyways, that’s all I have for now. Thanks for being here and supporting me. Oh! And thank y’all so much for 200 subscribers!! I never dreamed of ever having such a kind and supportive audience :).
As always, I love each and every one of you and wish you a wonderful, wonderful day! :)
I love this! great job!
*mind blown* love the story Jack!